I Need a Cigar

Once upon a time, there was a wizard. This wizard was a master wizard, the head of an arcane society, a friend to the elite, a patron to those beneath him, the best and the brightest of the other wizards. This wizard was wealthy and wise and his guild provided great service to the city. This wizard had a talented wizard for a son who in turn had a daughter who in turn grew into a beautiful young woman and talented wizard herself. Who liked midgets. And halflings. And gnomes. The halfling thing scares me, but I digress. This young woman, upon her 16th birthday, took a fancy to another up and coming wizard. A gnome of such daring and physical prowess, he was irresistible to even the most stalwart of prudes. Wives, daughters, twins, it mattered not for this gnome was a gnome of legend! And once upon a time, on her 16th birthday, this young wizardess got her wish. It was a night of love and passion to which bards can only hope to write about, but never capture themselves. A tribute to the blinding force of ecstasy. A night full of whips, chains, and things only short men can do. She longed for more, begged the gnome for another night, but alas, it was not to be for once upon a time, her grandfather entered her room without knocking and saw her whips and her chains. And the gnome. And the midget clown dolls, but we don't mention those often.

Though it was her 16th birthday, her coming of age day, it was a sad day for the young woman, who would never again have the opportunity to experience the power of gnomish love, but it was an even sadder day for the erstwhile gnome, for the rage and tears of the great wizard were terrible and the odd looks he gave his grandaughter, disturbing. And so, the gnome, himself a member of the mighty wizard's guild, was banished to military service for the rest of his days. A life of deadly forays into the hot jungle, of listless meals, of smoke filled nights, of showers with sweaty men wondering if he was the right height.

What do you mean, you want details? Oh, just the whips and chains part. No, the doll didn't come fully equipped. Hold on. I need a cigar. It's going to be a long night.